Day 30: The end

There are 15 minutes remaining in the month of November, and I just got home for the first time since I left for work this morning. Some friends and I just saw a movie -- Lars and the Real Girl -- that is unlike any other movie I've seen. There were some very funny parts (well, funny to me, at least...I have an odd sense of humor, though), but it was also kind of sad and touching. And very odd. Not that I think that's a bad thing. I think some people didn't like it for that reason, though, which is understandable.

And now it is four minutes until midnight, so I'd better wrap this up and post this thing. Happy December!

Day 29: Hurry up and write

I'm going to take an intermission from my advent series of posts tonight. It's not that I've run out of ideas about that....On the contrary, there is much I'd like to write, but I simply don't have enough time tonight to do it justice. So, for today's "Day 29" post, I'm going to write about writing, and how it relates to this past month for me.

As for the advent topic, I have an essay-like post developing itself in my mind right now. The focus for it is still coming in bits and pieces and making little connections in unexpected places as I work backward from the big picture. I thoroughly enjoy this part of the process, so I don't want to rush it. Even so, a part of me is tempted to stay up way past my bedtime tonight to hurriedly write it and just get it out and post it before midnight for my Day 29 post. However, I'd rather not push this one out prematurely and have it end up being half-assed. I do that sometimes, in my haste to have new content, and then I end up wanting to delete it (and sometimes do) the next day or so. Such is the nature of a blog, I suppose.

I think there's this expectation that I sometimes put on myself that I should be able to sit down at the computer and write non-stop without taking a day (or two or three) to just think through and process what I'm going to write next, or to not even think about anything writing-related for a day (like that would ever happen). However, a huge part of the writing process, at least for me, involves just that - time to process. And now, with only one day left in this writing-frenzied month, that's what I've come to miss a great deal -- the process time.

Hurry ruins saints as well as artists. They want quick success and they are in such haste to get it that they cannot take time to be true to themselves. And when the madness is upon them they argue that their very haste is a species of integrity.

--Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

Day 28: Can't buy me love

We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty. --Mother Teresa

My last two posts have focused on charities, which goes along with what the Advent Conspiracy calls "loving all" by giving to charity the extra money that normally would have been spent on overly-extravagant Christmas gifts for friends and family. The agape love exemplified in this charitable giving is a great way to share our resources with people around the world who are in need of our generosity.

But what am I to give my friends and family for Christmas, if not material gifts or gift-certificates? This is where the "give more" component of the conspiracy comes in. At first glance, it seems paradoxical to say "give more" by spending less money on what gifts I give.

However, I understand this concept as a call to give more than just something that can be bought off the shelf of any store.

As in more thought and care.

More quality time and attention.

More love.

Relational giving is more about being present with someone you care about than it is about buying that someone a present to show you care. It's the gift of sharing time together, or of creating something unique with that person in mind -- something personalized, like a piece of art or a picture or a poem. Or something that combines time together with creating something special, like cooking his or her favorite meal to eat together, or taking the time to teach your friend to do something that you know how to do, such as giving a fun skein of yarn and teaching your friend how to knit.

Here is a list of some more ideas for relational gifts. Any other ideas for this type of gift-giving?

Day 27: All Creatures of Our God and King (Charitable gifts, part II)

I've been getting countless holiday gift catalogs in the mail. Just last week I got five catalogs in one day. One was for a department store. Another for makeup.

And then there was the Victoria's Secret holiday catalog, because just what I need for Christmas is another bra. Especially a diamond-and-gemstone-encrusted bra that costs $4.5 million. That's just a tad superfluous, don't you think? Has anyone ever actually ordered one of those? Even if you had $4.5 million dollars to spare, in what public place would you wear that, anyway, without looking all flashy-meets-trashy? And wouldn't the price go up with a larger cup size? That could take a lot of extra diamonds. Talk about having some bling...

My blinged-out bra tirade aside, there was another catalog addressed to me that caught my attention, for less obnoxious reasons. It was a gift catalog for Heifer International. On the back, instead of showing an airbrushed, scantily-clad (and unrealistically thin-yet-curvy) model with a glossy-lipped pout on her face, this catalog showed a photograph of two smiling African children holding a baby goat. The copy next to the photo said: "Give a life-changing gift to Heifer International in honor of a friend or loved one. It's a gift that brings promise to hungry families and the opportunity for a better life to the less fortunate. Giving a Heifer gift takes the stress out of shopping while putting the meaning back into giving." (If you aren't familiar with the organization, you can read more about Heifer's solutions for ending world hunger and poverty here).

They also have an online version of their gift catalog, where you can "choose a meaningful gift to give a loved one and help children and families around the world receive training and animal gifts that help them become self-reliant." It's fun to look at the different gift animals available, even honeybees. Personally, I wouldn't consider it a gift to receive bees, but that's because I'm a wee bit afraid of those little creatures. Despite my completely rational fear of them, I can appreciate how even bees can be a blessing.

Other gift animals to choose from include cows, sheep, llamas (I heart llamas), chicks, and rabbits, just to name a few. It's really interesting to read about each animal and how they help provide for the families to which they're donated. What a beautiful gift!

Photo from Heifer International.

Day 26: Those who thirst (need clean water)

I had trouble falling asleep and got about five hours of sleep last night. That made for an interesting Monday morning.

This is not all that unusual for me, though. I'm a night owl and somehow get a surge of energy around 11 p.m., regardless of how tired I may have been all day. This does not bode well for someone who has to work regular office hours, as I do. Thus, a few minutes ago I took a Benadryl. It usually does the trick to knock me out at a decent hour. If what I'm writing here doesn't make much sense, I blame it on the sleep-deprivation and the Benadryl, by the way.

Right now I'm still awake, but the drowsiness is setting in as I drink the rest of the water from the glass I filled to swallow down that little pink pill. Most of the time I take for granted that I can go to the faucet and pour myself a glass of clean water whenever I want it. Before it reaches my faucet, this water goes through quite the process to get drinkable and flowing out of my tap, yet it seems like a given to me that I will always have it when I need it. Often I forget how fortunate I am for this seemingly simple access to clean water. And now comes the point to all of this...

It seems hard to fathom, but over a billion people around the world do not have access to drinkable water. Something that is a necessity for all living beings should not be so scarce for so many. Therefore, as part of my plan this week to highlight charities for giving this holiday season, here are two clean water charities to look into (and there are also many more great charities for clean water if these two don't float your boat):

Blood:Water Mission and their 1000 Wells Project ($1 = one year of water for an African)

Living Water International, through the Advent Conspiracy

Day 25: Christ the King Sunday

One more week until Advent begins. And, now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, the signs of the holiday season are coming out: Christmas lights and trees going up, holiday music on the radio, and planning time for holiday parties at work. However, the most noticeable sign to me is the holiday commercials that are now in full force as they play Christmas jingles and beckon us to go to this "can't-miss" sale or to buy [insert advertised item here] to show your loved ones just how much you love them.

I'm not against gift-giving for Christmas, but I do think there's a tendency to go overboard and miss the point of this holiday. People go into debt this time of year, and why? To prove their love by giving financially extravagant gifts for a holiday that celebrates the birth of Christ? It's sad that showing your love for others is equated with giving them expensive gifts. The more expensive, the more you love them. Or so the diamond-jewelry commercials would have us believe.

As I consider how to approach the holiday season this week, and as I attempt to finish up this crazy blog-every-day-for-the-month-of-November thing, I'd like to explore alternatives to the debt-inducing, commercialized Christmas that can be so tempting to buy into.

Yesterday I posted a link to Advent Conspiracy. I really like the ideas and actions they're promoting for this Christmas season. Their (re)vision for this Advent is fourfold:

1. Worship more (by aligning ourselves with Christ)

2. Spend less (by not buying loads of stuff that nobody really needs)

3. Give more (by giving more relationally and spending quality time together)

4. Love all (by giving to charity)

For the next few days, I'd like to explore some ideas for how to Give More relationally, and highlight a few charities that allow us to Love All by donating to those in need. Let me know your thoughts and ideas - are there any relational gift ideas or charities you'd recommend?

Day 24: Tis the season

It's getting late and I need to get up early to help out at church tomorrow. But for some reason I'm still trying to post on here every day. I figure if I've made it this far, then I might as well go the distance, right?

I'll write more about it tomorrow, but check out this Web site.

Day 23: Black Friday

A few things I did today:

• Slept in.
• Helped my parents decorate their Christmas tree.
• Went to the gym.
• Reorganized the sidebar on here.
  
• Read.
• Went to the office, but only for a couple of minutes...I lost my mobile phone on Wednesday and was checking to see if I left it at work.
  
• Found my phone hiding in the backseat of my car.
• Talked on the phone and caught up with my lifelong friend/honorary sister who now lives in Colorado (I have known her since before I can remember).

What I did not do today:

• Wake up early to go shopping. No sale, to me, is worth getting up at 4:30 a.m.
  

Day 22: Thanksgiving

Today I had a delicious holiday meal with my family (all 11 of us, and then some). It was great to spend time with them, even though my 15-year-old nephew humbled me by finally beating me at Guitar Hero - I blame the tryptophan.

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, too!

In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Day 21: Healing quote

Our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. When we don’t avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. When we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker. And in this connection, there’s always the chance we’ll find a reason to risk again. If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can, too. . . . The danger is that you will decide it isn’t worth it. Why risk if it’s going to hurt like this? The tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die. A decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. They go together.

- Rob Bell

Day 20: Selah continued

Still pausing.

(I normally wouldn't be blogging about this, but for some reason I'm still trying to make it to a post a day for the month.)

Day 19: Selah

I think it is time for me to pause and reflect.

And be silent.

So, I shall.

Day 18: In Memoriam

I found out this morning that my friend who was in hospice, Blaine, died last night. My prayers are with his family and those closest to him. He touched many lives in his time here.

One of my favorite moments with Blaine: One night, a few of us had dinner together after our church's young adult group gathering. For some reason I think I started talking to him about how I wanted to be British when I was in college and had a couple of British pen-pals back then, and how I had these plans to move to London after graduation, but now I just put on a horribly fake British accent every now and then to keep myself entertained. He thought that was funny - even though some people would have looked at me like I was nuts after telling them that, he had a way of making people feel accepted and at ease around him.

So, then we started talking about a British pop star that was huge in the U.K. during my college years, whose music I was a fan of back then, even though most Americans hadn't really heard much about him. The pop star's name is Robbie Williams, and, to my surprise, Blaine told me that he was a fan of some of his music as well. After that, he and I had a bit of an inside joke about how we were going to have a Robbie Williams' appreciation gathering to listen to his music, or something to that extent.

This may seem cheesy or hokey or tacky or whatever, but I'm posting a Robbie Williams' video on here that reminds me of that conversation and inside joke. This is a video for a song called Angels (I picked this one for the song and its lyrics, not really for the actual music video):

Day 17: Good Grief and Bad Pain

I recently read the book Good Grief, by Granger E. Westberg. It's a small book, more like a booklet, really, but it holds a wealth of information about the grieving process within its 64 pages. This is not a "light" or "fun" subject to explore, I admit, but I do believe that good can come from proper grieving. It can be a spiritually transforming experience, when it's good, but it can also be a holding pattern when not moved through in a healthy way (I speak from experience on that one!).

I've been coming to realize that there is tremendous potential for growth through painful experiences, but some suffering is truly needless. Cloud and Townsend call this bad pain:

"Bad pain is actually wasted pain. It is the pain we go through to avoid the good pain of growth that comes from pushing through. It is the wasted pain we encounter as we try to avoid grief and true hurt that needs to be worked through. It is the wasted pain of trying to get a person to love us or approve of us instead of facing the loss of this love and moving on."
- from the book How People Grow.

God knows there have been many times I've put myself through needless suffering - through the "bad pain" described above. So, what does good pain -- or good grief -- look like, and how do we distinguish the difference between the two? That's something I'm still trying to fully figure out.

Westburg describes 10 stages of grief in his book:
1. In a state of shock
2. Express emotion
3. Feel depressed and very lonely
4. May experience physical symptoms of distress
5. May become panicky
6. Feel a sense of guilt about the loss
7. Filled with anger and resentment
8. Resist returning
9. Gradually hope comes through
10. Struggle to affirm reality

Day 16: Contemplative prayer, part III

I'll wrap up my contemplative prayer trilogy of posts with another quote (from the same book):

As the unconscious is emptied out, the awareness of the deepest level in us is also an awareness of the deepest level in everyone else. This is the basis for the commandment to love one's neighbor as oneself. When you truly love yourself, you become aware that your true Self is Christ being expressed in YOU, and the further awareness that EVERYBODY else enjoys this potential too. Augustine had a phrase for it: "One Christ loving himself." That is a good description of a mature Christian community. You are aware that a power greater than you is doing everything...

Instead of seeing only someone's personality, race, nationality, gender, status, or characteristics (which you like or do not like), you see what is deepest -- one's union or potential union with Christ. You also perceive everyone's desperate need of help. The transcendent potential of most people is still waiting to be realized, and this awakens a great sense of compassion. This Christ-centered love takes us out of ourselves and brings our newly found sense of independence into relationships that are not based on dependency, as many relationships tend to be, but that are based on Christ as their center. It enables one to work for others with great liberty of spirit because one is no longer seeking one's own ego-centered goals but responding to reality as it is.

Day 15: Contemplative prayer, part II

Here are some books about contemplative Christianity that were recommended. I have yet to read all of these, but they look interesting:

The Cloud of Unknowing

Will and Spirit

New Seeds of Contemplation

A Place Apart

Open Mind, Open Heart: The Contemplative Dimension of the Gospel

Here's an excerpt from that last one (Open Mind, Open Heart) about facing your "dark side" via contemplative prayer:

As the deep peace flowing from contemplative prayer releases our emotional blocks, insights into the dark side of our personality emerge and multiply. We blissfully imagine that we do good to our families, friends and business or professional associates for the best of reasons, but when this dynamism begins to operate in us, our so-called good intentions look like a pile of dirty dish rags. We perceive that we are not as generous as we had believed. This happens because the divine light is shining brighter in our hearts…When God turns up the voltage, our motivation begins to take on a wholly different character, and we reach out with great sincerity for the mercy of God. That is why trust in God is so important. Without trust we are likely to run away or say, “there must be some better way of going to God.”

Self-knowledge in the Christian escetical tradition is insight into our hidden motivation, into emotional needs and demands that are percolating inside of us and influencing our thinking, feelings and activity without our being fully aware of them…When you withdraw from your ordinary flow of superficial thoughts on a regular daily basis, you get a sharper perspective on your motivation, and you begin to see that the value systems by which you have always lived have their roots in prerational attitudes that have never been honestly and fully confronted. We all have neurotic tendencies. When you practice contemplative prayer on a regular basis, your natural resources for psychic health begin to revive and you see the false value systems that are damaging your life…

The inner dynamism of contemplative prayer leads naturally to the transformation of your whole personality. Its purpose is not limited to your moral improvement. It brings about a change in your way of perceiving and responding to reality…as you experience the reassurance that comes from interior peace, you have more courage to face the dark side of your personality and to accept yourself as you are.

Day 14: Contemplative prayer, part I

While at work today, as part of an optional "wellness" session offered to employees, I got to spend an hour and a half learning about contemplative prayer meditation from a former Benedictine monk. We all got to spend the last 20 minutes of the session praying in silence...remember how much I love silence? And at work, no less? It was glorious! I felt so relaxed and peaceful after that.

And then I returned to my desk to find five new folders in my inbox. That made me laugh. Gotta love deadline week!

But, anyway, back to the contemplative prayer. Several months ago, when I started my covenanting at FirstLight, one of the spiritual-growth goals my pastor and I set for myself was to spend more time in "purposeful solitude." Thus, I decided to regularly engage in contemplative prayer during this time of solitude, and now it has become such a vital practice for me. I prefer lectio divina for this, but also do centering prayers at times, which is more along the lines of what we did today at work. And that was great, because I got to hear about another Christian's recommendations and reflections on contemplative prayer...someone much more experienced and wiser than I. What a great learning experience.

I got a chance to talk with him after the session and asked him about his experience as a monk. He said he joined a monastery in the early 1980s and stayed there for four years. He said it was a great experience, but he left because he felt he could live a spiritual, God-centered life without having to be in a monastery. And he said that, for him, he felt he could do more with his particular spiritual gifts by working outside the monastery and doing what he's doing now (which includes teaching about prayer and God, creating and performing worship music, and running a spiritual contemplative retreat with his wife). Very cool. I'll definitely be signing up for future sessions of his if/when those are offered.

As for today's session, here's a simplified version of what he taught us (by "us" I mean me and the 15 other people who also signed up for this session) about contemplative prayer:

• Create your own quiet place that will be your prayer area. This space can include an altar, cross, candles, etc.
• Set aside at least 15-20 minutes (each day) for time in silent prayer.
• Sit comfortably and breathe deeply but gently (try not to sound like Darth Vader while doing so).
• Place your hands together in your lap or with palms facing up.
• Start with a simple prayer of intention, asking God for guidance and healing during this time.
• Close your eyes and begin the mantra (the repetition, in your mind, of a sacred word of your choice, such as: Jesus; Emmanuel; Maranatha; Yahweh; Abba).
• Focus on your breath and get into a rhythm with the mantra repetition and inhalation, exhalation.
• You are not trying to make your mind go blank of thought. Handle thoughts with the four R's: (1) Resist no thoughts; (2) Retain no thoughts; (3) React emotionally to no thoughts (this does not mean to be emotionless, however, but just not to judge/react to emotions you may experience); (4) Return to your breathing and mantra.
• Finish your time in silence with prayers of petition and gratitude.

This post is getting long, so I'll continue on this topic tomorrow with some book recommendations he gave on the subject of contemplative prayer.

Day 13: New old friends

Man, I am worn out right now. This is going to be a quick one...

I recently reconnected with an old college classmate of mine, Jason, on Facebook of all places. He and I were in a class together eight or so years ago. Spring of 1998, I believe - my sophomore year. A few days ago he invited me to dinner, fellowship, and prayer time with him, his wife and children, and a few of their friends tonight. So, I went and just got back home from it. Great experience. Glad I went. I'll write more later.

Day 12: Prayer request

Yesterday I found out that a friend from church, Blaine, recently went into hospice (he has been battling brain cancer). Just today I got the information about where to go to visit him, so I went to see him earlier tonight. A couple other friends were also there to visit him when I arrived, and we took turns holding his hand. He firmly gripped my hand when I was holding his, and opened his eyes a few times as I spoke to him, although he was unable to speak himself.

I have been praying for him and his loved ones, and will continue to do so. They have been through so much, and it's hard to understand why things like this happen. My prayers are for comfort and healing, although I realize that God's healing may look different than what we may expect or hope for.

I don't know what else to say. I'm afraid anything else I say may come across as trite, so I'll finish with this request: please say a prayer for him and his loved ones.

Watch Thou, O Lord, 
with those who wake, 
or watch,
or weep tonight, 
and give Thine angels 
charge over those who sleep.
Tend Thy sick ones, O Lord Christ. 
Rest Thy weary ones. 
Bless Thy dying ones. 
Soothe Thy suffering ones. 
Pity Thine afflicted ones. 
Shield Thy joyous ones. 
And all for Thy love's sake.
Amen 
- St. Augustine

Day 11: Avoiding the pillar of salt

This week has been tough. Monday night was the last time I contributed anything substantial to my word count. That was also the last time (until today) that I spent any sort of substantial time or energy in prayer. Instead, I've been keeping myself "busy" this week. Distracted. Avoiding myself and the inevitable facing of reality (God).

Why?

Because I know, deep down, that certain things are changing in my life over which I have little control. I recognize that I am no longer the same person I used to be a year ago, or just a few months ago, actually. And I don't want to (and won't) turn back, but I pause in knowing that my continued steps forward disrupt things and leave an uncertainty that is uncomfortable to explore, or even acknowledge at times.

What is keeping me moving forward is this faith that, as long as I remain honest with myself and God, keep praying for His will, and repent whenever I start going down the wrong path (which I still do many times), my progress will continue to be God-centered and, therefore, good...but right now, it doesn't feel good. It feels scary.

Day 10: "Voice of the Day" quote

Today I discovered an interesting blog by Jim Wallis, author of God's Politics. One thing I like about this blog is that it has a daily verse and a daily quote (if you haven't noticed, I like quotes). I particularly liked today's quote:

For though they cling together, no friends are true friends unless you, my God, bind them fast to one another through that love which is sown in our hearts by the Holy Ghost, who is given to us.

Augustine
Confessions

Day 9: Deviating from the norm

Considering I only have 26 minutes left to go here with Day 9, I pulled an easy-out yet again and did another blogthings quiz. This one measured my "normalness." And the results are...

You Are 25% Normal

You sure do march to your own beat... But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all You think on a totally different wavelength And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

How Normal Are You?

Interesting...I know I'm a little out there at times, but I'm not that weird. How funny.

Day 8: Silence is golden

I can't focus in randomly noisy surroundings. Usually I’ll put on my headphones and listen to some music if I’m trying to concentrate and need to drown out background noises. I do this pretty much all day at work. However, more and more I find that there are many times when I simply crave silence.

For example, a few nights ago I came home from a stressful day at work (this was also the flu-shot day) and, in hopes of a peaceful and comfortable night in, I put on my leopard-print flannel pajamas. (“Steven Tyler PJ’s!” Name that movie.) All I wanted for the rest of that evening was to sit with my Bible and do my daily lectio divina, which is something I need to do in silence so I can truly tune in and listen.

However, I do not live alone. Even when I am alone in my office (the room I go to for solitude with lectio divina, reading, prayer time, etc), I can hear the television from the downstairs living area. When on, the TV audio has a mumbling quality to it from up there, and I find that to be rather distracting when I am trying to concentrate…. I notice every little mumbling line of dialogue or “thump-thump-thump” of the bass line when music comes on.

It is so not peaceful.

This isn't usually much of a problem because I tend to do my lectio divina later in the evening, right before going to bed, when the television is turned off and the house is quiet. But, that night, I was too exhausted to stay up as late as I normally do. Playing music would be too distracting for this, so I tried to drown out the television with this white-noise thing I have. I opted for the sound of ocean waves to drown it out (no pun intended).

I thought I was ready to get started then. Me. My comfy chair. The bible. The digitally fabricated sounds of the “ocean.” Problem solved, right?

Well, I tried. The ocean waves rolled steadily and sounded realistic, at least to my Midwestern ears. It was so realistic, actually, that I started to get the urge to pee. As soon as I had fought the temptation to stand up and do the potty dance, I settled back into my chair and prepared to open up The Book and get this party started. And then I heard it…

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

There it was, insistently rising up above the crashing sound of the ocean waves.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Dancing with the Stars. The TV was turned on to Dancing with the freaking Stars, and the music had some seriously thumping bass going on. And on. And on...

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

And on.

Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!

...

bleep.

That last part is the edited version of what was going through my head at that point.

Lovely, I know.

There I was, in my futile attempt to be all spiritual discipline-y and get centered and try not to dwell on my flu-shot-induced symptoms and achy arm and work stress, and all I could do was run a string of expletives through my head. Not exactly what God was wanting to hear from me, I'm sure.

That little internal tantrum was only momentary, though, because I knew better than to act on those feelings of frustration. I also could have opted to give up and feel defeated, but playing the victim like that is immature and a waste of time, especially about something so trivial. I mean, I knew that just because I would like some silence, not everyone else in the house felt the same way, or that they should bow to my will and turn off the television. After all, who am I to deprive anyone of Dancing with the Stars?

Still, I was determined to find a good way to get some peace and quiet. Therefore, I came up with a solution:

Two small pieces of rubber. One big difference.

The variety of earplugs the drugstore had to choose from was pretty amazing. I had no idea such options existed. It was a whole new world to be explored! After pondering the plethora of plugs, I picked out a pair that promised to block out the sounds of power tools and NASCAR events. I figured that ought to cover even the most obnoxiously bass-driven Cha Cha or Samba or whatever else booms itself out of the television speakers.

Once I was home again, back into my pajamas and my ears now sufficiently plugged, I was ready to give it another try. I smiled peacefully when I discovered that all I could hear was the sound of my breath as air entered and exited my nostrils.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

All other noise ceased to exist.

Glorious silence, at last!

Those earplugs are quite possibly the best $1.99 I’ve ever spent. (As long as the fire alarm doesn’t go off while I’m wearing them, that is.)

Day 7: Slacker

I haven't even started writing yet for the night, but I wanted to get my daily blog posting out of the way. I'm being a total slacker. Here's my post - a quiz result from the blogthing's quiz: What crappy Christmas gift are you?

You Are a Losing Lottery Ticket!

Full of hope and promise. But in the end, a cheap letdown.

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

That's harsh, yet funny.

Day 6: The Shopocalypse is near

There's a documentary coming out this month called What Would Jesus Buy? Here's a brief description:

“What Would Jesus Buy?” examines the commercialization of Christmas in America while following Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping Gospel Choir on a cross-country mission to save Christmas from the Shopocalypse (the end of humankind from consumerism, over-consumption and the fires of eternal debt.)

It looks interesting...and quite entertaining. I think I want to go see it, but movie tickets are a bit expensive. How ironic.

Check out the trailer here.

WORD COUNT UPDATE: 8,780 words, as of last night. That's 445 words ahead...for now.

Day 5 - Craptasticness

Today I voluntarily got a shot in my arm that has lovely flu-like side effects, even though it's supposed to prevent me from getting the flu. Um...yeah. Why can't they come up with a flu shot that won't make you feel like you have the flu shortly after you get the shot?

Although you can't see me right now to verify this, I am most definitely pouting. It's rather pathetic. And now, on top of the pouting, I'm whining about it via the written word. Awesome.

Now for an update on my book's (I use that term very loosely) nanowrimo word count: As of last night, I have 6,585 crap-tastic words.

That means I'm 83 words behind schedule. I'll try to catch up with what I write tonight, but, instead, I'll probably just end up pouting some more. And then I'll start feeling sorry for myself, which inevitably leads into a spell of writerly angst that continues indefinitely and delays all productiveness until I realize how dumb it is and start laughing at myself.

Good times.

Maybe I can just skip ahead to the part where I laugh at myself...

Day 4: Lewis quote

I recently read A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis. It's not a long book, so I read it in one sitting. It was heart wrenching to read, though (particularly the first half of it). I respect how honest and vulnerable he was in writing that book; I can understand why he first published it under a pseudonym, but I'm glad he later "came out" about having authored it.

Being that this weekend has been wedding-filled for me (it was an awesome wedding, by the way), I thought of this quote from his book:

One thing, however, marriage has done for me. I can never again believe that religion is manufactured out of our unconscious, starved desires and is a substitute for sex. For those few years H. and I feasted on love, every mode of it­ -- solemn and merry, romantic and realistic, sometimes as dramatic as a thunderstorm, sometimes as comfortable and unemphatic as putting on your soft slippers. No cranny of heart or body remained unsatisfied. If God were a substitute for love we ought to have lost all interest in Him. Who’d bother about substitutes when he has the thing itself? But that isn’t what happens. We both knew we wanted something besides one another – quite a different kind of something, a quite different kind of want. You might as well say that when lovers have one another they will never want to read, or eat – or breathe.

- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Day 3: Born to love

Two close friends of mine, Janelle and Brandon, are getting married to each other tonight. I've enjoyed getting to know them better over the past couple of years, both as individuals and as a couple.They are two people who are truly a great match for each other, and I do believe their relationship is blessed and God-centered.

It brings me great joy to see them entering into a marriage together.

They introduced me to the band Over the Rhine, which is an amazing group. Their music and lyrics are beautiful; I highly recommend checking them out if you haven't done so already.

And, tonight, Over the Rhine will be playing at their wedding reception (there's a long story behind this having to do with how they met each other). How awesome is that?

I'm really looking forward to seeing the band play live. Here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, Born, from their Drunkard's Prayer album (I hope they play it tonight):

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find

Intuition, deja vu
The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don't mind

Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be

Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me

We've seen the landfill rainbow
We've seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Day 2: Under control

I wrote 1,758 words yesterday for national novel writing month. That doesn't even include what I wrote on here for national blog posting month (NaBloPoMo). Also, last night I joined a group on NaBloPoMo for Christian writers, and started a new group as well.

Hello, my name is Liz (and/or Elizabeth), and I have ADD. It's a beautiful thing. Sometimes.

Anyway, back to the novel writing craziness: I calculated how many words, on average, one would have to write each day to make it to 50,000 words by the end of November: 1,667 words per day. Thus, my goal is to write at least 1,700 words each day, so I'm right on track.

Speaking of calculations, I've started tutoring one of my neighbors in Algebra II. It has been, like, 10 years since I've had any sort of math class, so I told her I might not be the best tutor when she asked, but that I would give it a try.

So, this week I've been (rapidly) reintroduced to the world of algebra and calculus as I've been tutoring her. It was actually kind of fun to do the graphs and word problems and all that good stuff, and to teach someone else how to do it. I forgot how satisfying it can be to solve a multi-step problem and know I got the exact right answer. That's a great feeling for me.

Algebra appeals to my inner control-freak.

I mean, there's a right answer at the end of every problem. A solution that is clear and concrete - all I have to do is follow the steps and apply the correct formulas. It's so straightforward. It makes logical sense.

Often I have wished life could be that predictable, that formulaic. No risk. No unknown outcomes. Complete control to know where I'm headed and exactly how to get there.

But that's not reality. Maybe for an algebra problem, but not for this messy thing called life. And, yet, many times I've tried to make it safe and predictable. I've tried to make my five- or 10-year plans set in stone.

There's a Woody Allen quote that says, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

The need for this kind of control, this demand to know exactly where life is headed and to be assured that it won't be scary or painful or messy, is contrary to following God's will. For someone to let go of this delusion of control, it would require complete faith in God's plan and timing, even though to do so is risky and involves uncertainty about the path ahead, and there may be more heartache and struggles than expected.

A few weeks ago, while doing my thing on the elliptical at the gym, I was listening to a podcast of a Rob Bell sermon that addresses this quest for control. Here is a snippet of what he said:

"Essentially, the lie is that life is like an X-Y graph. . . . The ultimate lie is if you do A, B, and C, then of course God will do A, B, and C, and you’ll be fine. Like, all you have to do is trust Jesus, and you won’t have to go through any heartache because he wants you happy and wealthy. And these lies are deep within us that this is how the world works...

"You cannot control what’s going to happen to some of the relationships around you. You cannot control where the attacks are going to come from. You cannot control what dreams may, in fact, blow up in your face. You cannot control exactly where Provision or Guidance is going to come.

"But you can control the kind of person you are becoming. You can control what’s going on in your heart. You can control whether you’re the kind of person who is moving from indifference to compassion. Whether you move from having a hard heart to having a heart that beats for the things that God’s heart beats for…

“There’s this sense that, man, life could have been so much easier, but it hasn’t gone that way. It went a different way. Man, there’s so many places where a straight shot would have saved so much time and heartache, and yet, instead, life did this other thing and it twisted and turned and curved, and it’s not what I planned. And I think about the relationships that have blown up, and the dreams that just kind of faded away…there was a much, much shorter route, but I’ve ended up taking a much longer route.

"And yet, I wouldn’t be who I am, and you wouldn’t be who you are, if we had taken the shorter route. It’s all the twists and turns that have shaped you. So the question is: ‘Am I responding and becoming the kind of person God intends me to be?’ Because there are some things we can only learn from the curves and the twists and the bends.

"There are some things, if everything was perfect and fine, we would never learn, and we would end up so shallow and trite and not tuned in to the bigger issues.

Day 1 - All Saints Day

I watch the Colbert Report most nights. He cracks me up. Last night, he opened with this:

“Nation, I wish I could say ‘Happy Halloween.’ But happy is not a word I associate with this childhood festival of hi-jinks, merriment, and diabetes. Sure, it’s fun to play dress-up, but I believe that costumes are just lies that you wear. But the real reason, folks, we need to hallow-wean ourselves off this holiday…is that it is a pagan celebration of panhandling. You know what I call trick-or-treaters? Pre-hobos. Kids, when you grow up, you get to celebrate a holiday I call Un-Halloween, every day. That’s where you dress up like a productive member of society, go to a real job to earn a paycheck, then buy your own damn candy. Boo!”

Oh how I love Stephen Colbert.

Besides watching The Colbert Report, I didn’t do much for Halloween this year, such as dressing up in a costume, or anything like that (I had a prior obligation).

However, last year I went to a Halloween party at Resurrection, and I dressed up as the devil. I felt it was a fitting costume for a church event. My original plan was to make my own costume and go as “Snakes on a Plane,” and I even started to get the materials for it. It turned out to be a difficult concept to put into costume-form, though, and I didn't have enough time to get it together. I then considered making it “Snakes on a geometric-Plane”, but that was just too geeky to pull off, even for me.

I was one of the young adult team leaders when we were planning that Halloween shindig, and I remember that, at the leaders’ meeting, I jokingly said something about how our church group shouldn’t celebrate a pagan holiday. I was being satirical/sarcastic and completely joking, of course, but I think (at least for a second or two) that a couple of people thought I was being serious when I said that. I need to be careful with my sense of humor sometimes, I’ve come to realize, especially around people who don't know me that well. But it is kind of fun to satirize the uptightness of some when it comes to that kind of stuff, which is probably why I enjoy Colbert so much.

So, even though some may call Halloween a “pagan” holiday and refuse to celebrate it, it actually does have relevance to Christianity. And it's simply fun to get dressed up in costumes and be ridiculous all night, regardless of your religious beliefs. It also has Celtic origins, which makes it all the better:

“The last day of October marks the beginning in the church of a period known as Hallowtide, 'All Saintstide,' when Christians remember those who have died. All-Hallows Eve, or Halloween, October 31, has Celtic origins, being originally the feast of Sanhain/Samhain,(pronounced 'sow'inn), the last night of the Celtic year, when all kinds of spirits were thought to be active. The Celts believed that this was a time when the boundary between the spirit world and the earthly world is at its thinnest and when spirits are most likely to be seen on earth…. So when did Sanhain become Halloween? By the 9th century, Christianity had spread into Celtic lands and the celebration became known as the Eve of All Hallows and eventually Halloween… The word Hallow means 'Holy', (blessed, consecrated or set apart in a special way), so 'All-Hallows' or 'All Saints’ refers to the Saints—the Holy Ones. Those who died for their faith or who lived extraordinary lives.” – Rev. C. Royden, All Souls – Remembering our Loved Ones

And that brings us to today, November 1: All Saints (Hallows) Day.

Those who have lived before us have much to teach us. Of my loved ones who have died, my grandma Jean (my dad’s mom) particularly comes to mind for me. She died when I was 10, and I only saw her once or twice a year because she and my grandfather lived in Tucson, Arizona. I wish I could have spent more time getting to know her while she was alive, but, of all my relatives who have died, hers is the presence I’ve felt most often throughout my life.

I know that she was very spiritual (and very Methodist), stubborn, opinionated, sassy, feminist (not in a “men-are-bad” way, but in the true sense of the word: she believed that men and women were of equal worth), and definitely had a mind of her own, which she wasn’t afraid to speak. My dad has told me a few times that my personality is a lot like hers (and I don’t think he always meant that as a total compliment. Hehe).

Most of what I know about her comes from stories and shared memories passed down from my parents and other relatives. When they talk about her, I can see and hear how much she meant to each of them. What I personally remember, however, was that she had a nickname for each of her grandchildren – something she picked out for each of us that only she called us. Her name for me was “angel.”

Now, I know that I’m no angel, but that name still brings a smile to my face when I think of her. And it kind of makes me laugh that her “angel” got dressed up as the devil for Halloween.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. – Hebrews 12:1